Thursday, 29 January 2009

Letter of complaint

Well surely she can't be the only one to feel like this at that 'special' time? LMAO

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER

BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge
to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."

Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Nurofen and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so
you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull
your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

- Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

7 comments:

Deanna said...

Oh My God Taz...that was freakin' hilarious! I've just read it to my husband and he says, "Luckily your uterus was taken out last year so I don't have to go to bed scared anymore"...hahahaahaha!!

Deanna :P

cocoa and blankets said...

good morning boob lady here ..helen rom ocoa and blankets..M1 is make one happy knitting...H

Shabby Chick said...

LOL, I love it! I do hate those ads which say "Have a happy period"... it's just not going to happen is it FFS?! I think the suggestions for new wording is genius :-D

Mel xxx

zombiecazz said...

Been using a mooncup for a while now, so I've never seen the "Happy Period" Comment. This was funny.

dinosaur toes said...

That has got to be one of the funniest things I've read since blossoming into a woman! I love it!!!!!

JuliaB said...

I think that is funnier than the Virgin complaint letter!! hehe!! It made me laugh through my hormones anyway! x

JuliaB said...

ps: I use a mooncup too .. they are so fab it's unbeleivable - infact, the closest you can get to a 'happy period'!! x